The Mind Goblins
by Tomas the Betrayer
Summary: If Goblin Slayer only knew what the girls around him were thinking…
1. Chapter 1

"You're all set." Guild Gal stamped the form with eager alacrity. "Take care of those goblins, alright?"

"I will." Goblin Slayer's voice rang slightly from behind his face-concealing helm. Without another word he turned and strode away from the counter.

His admirer watched him join the waiting team of High Elf Archer, Dwarf Shaman, and Lizardman Priest. She noticed the way they all clustered around him in friendly yet respectful fashion. It was good to see him with a group who really valued his expertise. Goblin Slayer tended to taciturnity at the best of times, leaving him with little in the way of friends amongst other adventurers. They often looked down on him, even those lower in rank. But judging by the grins that unlikely team was sporting, they would not only support their erstwhile team leader in battle, but be glad to have him.

Guild Gal crossed her arms on the countertop to observe them with a fond smile. It really was heartening that he had found some allies. Showed that she wasn't alone in appreciating that admittedly elusive individual. Maybe it might even help him grow in terms of socializing.

Not for the first time, she found herself wondering…

What would it be like to date Goblin Slayer?

 _WHAM!_

 _Guild Gal knew what she would see without even turning around. Sure enough, when she came about it was to spy a large sack deposited on her workspace. Goblin Slayer stood behind the counter._

" _I brought you a present," he stated tersely with arms hanging at his sides._

 _Taking a deep breath, she affixed a smile in place and walked up to confront him. "Oh, my. A present, you say? And whatever could it be?"_

" _I think you know." With that, he upended the contents of the sodden sack all over the countertop. "Goblin heads."_

 _A heap of over twenty decapitated goblin skulls was now taking up most of the table in front of her._ _Guild Gal suppressed a shudder of revulsion at the sight of split craniums, oozing brains and gouged-out eyeballs. He really outdid himself this time._

" _You… sweetheart!" she managed to force out between clenched teeth. A vein was throbbing in her forehead which her boyfriend, as usual, contrived to ignore._

" _There's a surprise in this one." He pointed at a certain twisted green face out of many. "Open it."_

 _The shudder that went up her spine was impossible to hide. Nevertheless, she resolutely reached forth, grasped the dead creature by its long nose (ew-ew-ew-EW!) and proceeded to pry open its cracked and bloodied jaws._ _Guild Gal then reached in and plucked out what proved to be a wonderfully wrought gold ring with a large ruby set in its casing._

" _It's… lovely," she said in tones devoid of emotion. Privately_ _Guild Gal thought, 'I will never stop washing my hands.' The light in her eyes had gone out in the last few seconds and she stood there with that same tight-lipped smile in place._

" _Good." He turned and left._

Guild Gal pursed her lips in thoughtful deliberation, eyes narrowing slightly.

Yup. Probably something like that.

* * *

"I have a quest," Goblin Slayer stated as he drew abreast of his teammates.

Standing by the stairwell, the three adventurers exchanged knowing glances. "Let me guess," High Elf Archer mused aloud. "Is it… goblins?"

"Yes."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Cheerfully she slung her bow over one shoulder. "Let's get going."

As they headed towards the door High Elf Archer waved at Guild Gal, who left off daydreaming in time to wave back. Orcbolg took point, eager to proceed as always. She had come to admire that about the man. In fact, it was hard to believe this was the same fellow she so casually wrote off on first impression as a washed-up loser in search of any assignment he could find. When a person was as good at their job as Goblin Slayer, one had to afford them respect.

The ancient forest dweller studied their peculiar compatriot as they walked by other adventurers seated at long trestle tables. Never in her thousands of years had she ever met anyone quite like Orcbolg, human or not. He had proven to be quite fascinating, if a bit intimidating. His focus on goblins left her curious as to whether or not he bothered with anything outside of quests.

I wonder if Orcbolg ever goes on dates? What would he do on them?

" _Elven poetry derives almost entirely from musical pieces," High Elf Archer unrolled a scroll on the table. "For instance, this one here?" She leaned in 'til their shoulders almost touched to point out a particularly long, complicated word. "That's 'lothmullerienithos', which roughly translates to 'Song of starlings spoken to a lover indicating the path ahead is clear'." She colored a bit at the implications and turned back with a big grin. "You get it?"_

 _Seated beside her, Orcbolg appeared to study the intricately looped and curlicued words with something akin to interest. "Hm," he grunted. "I do have some experience in this type of thing. Over the years I've translated the spoken words of goblins into a written language."_

" _Really?" That sure came as a surprise. Of course he probably only did it to get a better idea of how his hated enemy's mind worked. Still, this was a side of him she had never expected. Orcbolg contributing to scholarly pursuits? Who would have thought! "I'd love to see some." Not technically truthful, but if it was something he felt strongly about…_

" _Here." The masked man reached into his ever-present pouch and retrieved some scraps of parchment which he spread in front of him. High Elf Archer took note of the sharp, direct manner of his writing with a sort of fondness. Even here, he's blunt._

" _What does this one mean?" She pointed at an ugly-looking word the elf maiden had no intention of trying to vocalize._

 _He looked where indicated. "That says, 'Please stop'."_

" _Oh." Should have seen that coming. Undaunted, she selected another. "And this?"_

" _That's, 'Please stop disemboweling me now'."_

" _Heh." High Elf Archer half-convinced herself that was meant as a joke. "What about here?"_

" _Not my children. Please, not my children."_

 _Her mouth drifted open at the implications. Orcbolg, however, proceeded to detail the remaining words without further need for prodding._

" _This one is easy. It's just, 'Where are my arms?' And right after that you normally get, 'I can't feel my legs,' often coupled with, 'Asshole'. This next one is complicated. It reads, 'Not up the ass. Please, not up the ass. Aw, you gave it to me up the ass…'"_

 _Orcbolg failed to notice how the girl sitting beside him had turned white._

"… _even though I asked you not to. Wait, stop, don't pull the war hammer back out, the hook, it will tear…'" He glanced up. "After that they start screaming."_

 _Only then did he finally notice he was alone at the table._

High Elf Archer snapped out of that daydream before it went too far. She liked Orcbolg, really. But maybe it was best she _didn't_ know what he got up to in his spare time.

Some mysteries were better off undiscovered.

* * *

As they passed by her table, the muscular Barbarian Amazon settled down an ale tankard and rested one chin on her hand in drunken good cheer. She noted Goblin Slayer's departure with his crew and couldn't help but smirk. That guy was such a weirdo. Cute though, under that helmet. And fit. Her kind of man, really. Probably a total animal between the sheets with his saucy little Cow Girl every night. As long as you kept mentioning goblins, that is.

In fact…

" _Oh Goddess, YES! Take me from behind on this giant mound of slaughtered goblins while we're bathed in stinking goblin blood and intestines! Slam it home, you goblin-killing MANIAC! I love it that I can't see your face or know what you're thinking! Smack my big beautiful ass! What's that? The Elf wants to join in? Hell YEAH! March your saucy little butt over here, Green-Hair! Pour that huge chest of gold coins all over me! Just listen to the sound of all that money bouncing and rolling over the floor! DAMN, that turns me on, I LOVE IT!"_

Chuckling merrily, Barbarian Amazon caught sight of Sorceress sitting at an adjoining table. The gorgeous magic-wielder also had her eyes trained on the departing Goblin Slayer as she languidly smoked a pipe while wearing that knowing smile. Sorceress then noticed her brawny compatriot and lifted her wine glass in a commiserative salute. The warrior woman grinned and did the same before taking a swig.

If they ganged up on him, she was pretty sure they could get Goblin Slayer into any predicament they wanted. Then again, might be easier to just tell him it helped killing goblins beforehand. Less fuss all around.

Whether that boy knew it or not, he had a lot of admirers. And if he ever pulled his head out of the goblin guts long enough to notice, she and a few other girls would be more than happy to show him how far that admiration went.

 _ **FIN.**_


	2. Chapter 2

A door closed behind her, and Cow Girl looked up from where she was rebuilding a collapsed stone wall. Back at the house Goblin Slayer tightened a strap on his gauntlet, patted himself down as though verifying he hadn't forgotten anything, then strode along the path leading towards town.

"Stay safe!" she called out to him.

The armored adventurer turned his head and lifted a hand in silent farewell. The steady tramp of his footsteps soon receded until he was just a tiny figure moving over the low hills.

Cow Girl leaned against the rough stones to watch him go. There would no doubt be a quest awaiting in town by now. With no work available he had spent the last two days here on the farm, using the time to rebuild his arsenal and help out wherever needed. She was glad for his company. He hardly ever stayed away from work this long. There had been something reassuring about knowing that he would still be around whenever she might think of him.

Would it be so strange, she wondered, if he did stay with her more often?

 _Cow Girl busied herself making a sandwich, slicing a ripe red tomato plucked fresh from the garden, then choosing a wheel of homemade cheese._

 _As she picked up the knife, the young woman paused and looked behind her._

 _No one was there._

 _After a moment's hesitation, Cow Girl set to slicing the cheese. Selecting a jar of pickles, she chopped them up, then laid all her ingredients on two slices of warm bread with crust still crackling from the oven. The sight of it made her mouth water._

 _Some vague impression made her peer over one shoulder again, only to find herself alone in the kitchen same as before._

 _Cow Girl turned back to her repast._

" _Hey."_

" _AAAAHHHH!"_

 _She spun around. There right behind her was Goblin Slayer._

" _Don't DO that!" the redhead shouted, stamping her foot in consternation. "I've told you not to do that! I HATE when you do that!" She stopped, breathing heavily. "How do you do that?"_

" _I dunno." He shrugged and took a bite of sandwich. "Love ya."_

 _With that Goblin Slayer jumped straight up and disappeared into the ceiling._

 _Cow Girl stood staring at the spot where he vanished. Then she looked back at the counter._

" _Where's my sandwich?"_

The shapely farmhand frowned. Why on earth would I imagine something that weird?

Just then her stomach gave a mighty groan.

"Oh, right, I'm starving!" she exclaimed, and went inside to make herself a sandwich.

* * *

The door of the Guild building swept open. Several adventurers looked over and grinned when Heavy Fighter and his partner Female Knight came striding in. "How'd that mission against those uppity undine work out?" somebody shouted.

"Smooth as water," she called back. Hearty laughter followed her confident assessment. Most everyone at this branch held a high opinion of this particular pair, and with good cause. They were fast making a name for themselves in other regions to date, as this latest quest proved. Taking a seat at the communal area, Female Knight settled down her shield carefully and gave a graceful flick of her long shining hair. "Right?" she winked up at the hulking Heavy Fighter.

"I thought paladins were supposed to be modest," he shot back with a grin.

"When we're rich, I'll get right on that." Female Knight signed to a passing waitress to bring her two drinks. "Speaking of which, how about you go collect our reward for that mission?"

"Watch how fast I go." He lifted his gigantic broadsword to one shoulder and ambled off, making a show of not being in any special hurry. The sight made her smile and shake her head.

It was then she spied Goblin Slayer sitting on a bench by the wall with arms crossed. Female Knight settled her chin on one hand and observed the ratty-looking warrior distractedly. He really was such a mess. Silver-ranked adventurers like themselves could afford to project a certain measure of class in their apparel, but Goblin Slayer was known for looking like he just scavenged his equipment off of dead brigands. Low-class ones, too. Couldn't he spruce it up a little? Heavy Fighter had certainly benefited from her advice in terms of outfits, in her opinion. Anyone who met him back before they started working together wouldn't recognize him now. That was just one of the benefits that came from their association. She liked to make sure her man could command respect at first glance.

Maybe if Goblin Slayer had someone like me to work with, he might clean up just as well? The guy was pretty good-looking, after all. I wonder, if Heavy Fighter and I never met…

" _Pookie-bear…"_

 _Female Knight gave a shudder. She slowly lifted her head from off the table and glared up at her partner. "What?" the beautiful woman snapped with no attempt to hide her hostility._

 _Goblin Slayer stood there reeking like a sewer. "I got us a quest… dumplin'."_

 _He held up a piece of paper. Not for the first time, she wished she could see his face when he called her those absurdly sweet nicknames. Female Knight didn't like to think of it as paranoia, but she couldn't rid herself of the suspicion that he was secretly laughing at her. If she ever got confirmation…_

" _Let me guess," she slumped forehead-first against the table dispiritedly. "Goblins."_

" _Actually, snuggle-bunny, I thought you might like to have something different today. So I picked out one that didn't have goblins."_

" _Wonderful," the aspiring paladin grunted into the wood grain. "How much is it worth? A whole copper coin? Two, maybe?"_

" _The reward said 'your weight in diamonds upon successful completion'… puddin'."_

 _Female Knight snapped upright in shock. "DIAMONDS?!" she blurted out, feeling her face flush at the prospect. Diamonds weighed less than gold, which meant they would get an absurdly large amount if that were the case! She had never heard of such an extravagant bounty. "And you say there are NO goblins?"_

" _Yes," he nodded, and her heart soared. "The target is a lich sorcerer terrorizing a wealthy burg. He has assembled a force of skeletons and zombies to defend his manor… sweet-peach."_

" _Undead?" Female Knight breathed. Her own holy-based abilities would work splendidly against such monsters! One blast of Holy Circle and they could probably clear out the whole company in one fell swoop! After that it was just a matter of chopping the wizard up into small enough bits to fit into the nearest fireplace. Easy money!_

" _There's more. Two sub-quests. If you eliminate all the vampire bats, you'll receive a rare holy shield to weaken wights and other spectral enemies. And finding the lich's three books of spells can earn an enchanted silver helmet that increases one's combat efficiency by a factor of 2. Doing both also increases the reward… sugar britches."_

 _Female Knight stared at her partner in a paroxysm of delight. How could any man be so completely wonderful!_

" _But…"_

 _She came back down to earth hard at that word. "B-but…? What BUT?!"_

 _Goblin Slayer scratched his behind in absent fashion. "Well, Sorceress caught up to me on the way to the counter. She showed me a goblin slaying quest with a huge number of goblins…"_

" _No!" Female Knight mumbled in horror._

 _"… and suggested we switch assignments. It was a very generous offer. So…"_

" _NO!" She sprang to her feet._

" _I accepted… love-cups."_

 _The pronouncement fell with the force of a headsman's axe and split her dreams of wealth and fame into tatters._

 _Female Knight could swear she felt her heart skip a beat. She looked up towards the front doors and saw Sorceress departing with her boy-toy Spearman. As if feeling the accusing glare, that curvaceous enchantress paused on her way out. Coming around, she smiled and, placing two fingers to her lips, blew a kiss at the flaxen-haired fighter._

 _Female Knight swayed dizzily. For a moment the blood roared in her ears. That dirty thieving WITCH! I oughtta march over there and wring her flippin' neck!_

" _Snugglekins…"_

 _Her jaw clenched. Trembling, she turned to glare at the goblin-loving HICK that had cost her a fortune!_

" _We still have our quest. It will earn us four copper coins… honey-bunch."_

 _A vainer hope there never was caused her to gasp out, "Per goblin?"_

" _No. Total."_

 _Female Knight collapsed back into her seat with a distraught groan._

" _We should get ready." Goblin Slayer held up an evil-smelling bucket. "I brought the blood and intestines. Would you like me to pour it on you now… schnookums?"_

 _Her head flashed up, pale eyes narrowed with icy wrath. "I swear, if you dump one more bucket of GOBLIN SLOP on me, I am going to MURDER YOU!"_

 _Goblin Slayer's helm tilted to one side. "But pookie…"_

" _THAT'S IT!"_

 _She leapt to her feet and dragged sword from scabbard. They faced off against one another, her bristling from thwarted financial benefits, him silent and implacable. Her fingers clutched convulsively around the hilt of the blade while his tightened on the handle of the slop bucket._

 _Then Goblin Slayer sprang forward, hoisting the pail in preparation to throw, and his adversary launched herself at him with a scream._

Female Knight frowned with chin on palm, still staring at Goblin Slayer off by himself.

"I could take him," she finally decided.

"Take who?" Heavy Fighter asked as he came walking back up.

She ducked her head in embarrassment. "Nobody."

* * *

Lizardman Priest joined Goblin Slayer on the way out of the building. For some reason an argument had started up between the Female Knight and the Sorceress. He got enough of that from High Elf Archer and Dwarf Shaman, so the Priest diplomatically suggested to their other party member that they check the market for any items of interest which might have cropped up. Goblin Slayer acceded with a terse grunt.

Upon reaching the bustling commercial center, they soon found themselves before a display of supposedly ensorcelled items. One piece in particular caught his attention, a leather gauntlet. According to the vendor, the gauntlet was enchanted so that if one wearing it sustained grievous injuries in battle, they would find the arm which wore it blessed with vastly increased strength. Being a dual-blade wielder, Lizardman Priest considered this to be a keen find and was just about to ask after the price, when a sneering voice said, "Ugh! I can't tell which of those two smells worse!"

With utmost dignity, the swamp dweller turned around to find them accosted by a well-dressed young nobleman flanked by two rough and ready bodyguards. It was their weaselly little master who had spoken, and he clearly was addressing the pair of adventurers.

Deciding not to rise to the bait, the Priest turned back to his purchases. "How much for this gauntlet?" he inquired of the stall owner.

"Oh gracious and wise sir, your eye is keen, for that object…!"

"Hoy there! I'm speaking to you, green-skin!" The youth sauntered up to them. He was a physically underdeveloped specimen, clearly reliant on the presence of his hired help to support him on this occasion. Goblin Slayer didn't even bother to notice the trio. So as not to inconvenience his comrade, Lizardman Priest turned and bowed slightly with hands folded together, saying in a grave voice, "We wish you no harm, fledgling. Please allow us to depart on peaceful terms."

"What's that?" the dandy put hands on hips and leaned forward with a sniff. "Are you trying to tell _me_ what to do?"

"I am simply offering advice."

"Oh, did you hear that, lads? Advice!" He looked at the two toughs, who chuckled in obedience to their walking purse-string's attempt at intimidation. The rich boy turned back to his sport. "Well, of course, we wouldn't dream of interrupting your _date._ Tell me, is that a female of your kind under that disgusting armor, or are _you_ perhaps the lady of the set?"

Lizardman Priest blinked his great slitted eyes. The feathered headrest rustled as he cocked his head to one side. "Date? The language of humans is not completely familiar to me. Please explain."

That skinny chest puffed up. "I _said…"_

"Ah!" the scaly adventurer clapped his hands suddenly. "I believe I divine its meaning!"

 _Lizardman Priest sat at a table in a fancy restaurant. Across from him was Goblin Slayer. A roasted goblin took up a platter between them. Candles glowed on the tablecloth._

" _Would you care for more wine, my darling?" the hopeful Naga purred._

 _Goblin Slayer did not move._

" _Ah, of course. You have had enough. I can tell by your scent it is true."_

 _Again, Goblin Slayer made no response._

" _Then perhaps we should skip further pleasantries and proceed to… the night's true purpose!"_

 _Lizardman Priest flicked his tongue over sharp teeth. He could restrain himself no longer! With that he reached forth to grasp hold of his date and bit down deep!_

 _The wine-soaked cheese melted on his tongue, and his taste buds soared. HEAVEN!_

 _Across from him, High Elf Archer and Goblin Slayer watched their ally devour the smooth round lump of dairy product resting on the seat beside him, leaving not a trace to be found. Wearing an expression of bemused disbelief, she turned to the human adventurer and said, "This is the weirdest double date I have ever been on."_

 _In response Goblin Slayer reached over and popped the roast goblin's bald pate off. Dipping a spoon into the butter-soaked brains, he slid it between the slits of his faceplate. "Needs salt," he stated._

The rich kid's face had taken on a shade of green similar to the Lizardman's own, as had his bodyguards. In spite of this, the fool still managed to stutter, "Wh… what are you _talking_ about?!"

"Forgive me," the Priest declared with another humble bow. "My less than perfect grasp of your tongue has failed to convey my intent. For you see…"

He took a step closer to tower over that unimpressive specimen.

"My people are deeply respectful of our prey. We use every piece of them. Nothing is permitted to go to waste!" The green brave bent down to look the suddenly sweating human in the eye. _"Nothing."_

Both bodyguards had run off by that point. It didn't take their employer long to follow. Satisfied, Lizardman Priest resumed his interrupted purchase.

"I don't eat goblins."

He glanced over at Goblin Slayer and gave a nod of acknowledgement. "Nor do I."

They continued shopping without further incident.

 _ **FIN.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_Sword Maiden shuddered in forbidden ecstasy as she felt the bed shift beneath her from his weight. Naked, she wore only the black blindfold that was her mark of secret shame. Golden hair tickled her skin as she waited, on hands and knees, breathless with anticipation. Then he took her wrist, and she couldn't suppress a moan. 'Don't make me wait!' the Gold-ranked Adventurer wanted to beg. Yet at the same time, the thrill of anticipation was such a delight!_

 _The feel of a velvet band wrapped around her wrist. Goosebumps dotted her skin as he selected her other hand, tying them securely together. Straining to keep from collapsing forward, Sword Maiden heard him attach the velvet rope to the corner post of her bed. 'Yes,' she exulted inwardly. 'Now, do it now, take me NOW…!'_

 _Hard fingers yanked her head back by the hair, and she felt the sharpened edge of a sword pressed to her milk-white throat._

" _Confess," the masked warrior's voice reverberated hollowly by her ear._

 _There was no anger in his tone, no sense of condemnation. It gave her such a sense of dizzying relief that everything she had kept hidden from him came spilling out._

" _Yes," she whispered. There was no point lying now. He had caught her. She was completely in his power. "I knew about the goblins. How could I not? Because I am the one… who let them into the city." With great care so as not to risk cutting herself, she turned her face slightly to one side. This much she wanted to know. "What gave me away?"_

" _The question you asked upon my arrival." His blade did not waver when he spoke. It made her weak and heady with long-restrained desire. "You wanted to know if I could kill a family member if I discovered they were serving the forces of darkness. It was too deliberate a statement. So I questioned the town guard about the acolyte girl's death which started all this. What they told me didn't sound like the work of goblins. That left only one option."_

 _An ache of fear in her chest, combined with the cold numbing creep of sadness through her bones. Disappointment. Self-reproach. Of course, he of all people recognized it._

" _I did it," she said, and it felt so good to get that out she could have laughed. "I killed her! She was a traitor, an agent of the forbidden sects that still worship the Demon Lords! I gave her what she thought was secret information which could spell disaster if it fell into the wrong hands. Then I followed her, and when she took the decoy to a part of the city where my enemies were known to inhabit, it was all the confirmation I needed. So I confronted her, and before she could so much as beg for her life, I… I cut her to pieces!"_

 _Sword Maiden sobbed at the memory. Tears slipped past her blindfold. All the rage, the sense of betrayal and loss, had combined into a frenzy of recrimination, and what she had intended to be a clean death turned into a slaughter. The horror of the massacre saw her hide the body in the sewers. But even there, it was discovered by the town watch. And so…_

" _The truth could not be allowed to get out," she whispered. "If it was known a servant of our order had betrayed the Supreme God, and worse, what I had done in response… it would have shaken the people's faith! That was why… I needed a scapegoat. Something simple, which could be dealt with easily and so resolve the affair. Of course, my mind went to the goblins. I leaked the location of the Gate to them. Their shamans were able to activate it. Even then, all would have been well. I thought a doughty force could swiftly retake the Gate. But… no one took it seriously! Only goblins… they didn't care… didn't afford it any thought, just a nuisance to them. And I was left alone… waiting for my sins to rise up and swallow me… for the goblins to come and… punish me…!"_

" _Is that all?"_

" _Yes," she gasped with a shudder._

" _Are you ready?"_

 _Every nerve ending in her body was throbbing at what she knew must come next. At last, at last! Divine justice would be served!_

" _Yes!" Sword Maiden panted. "Do it! Take my filthy head! Cut it clean off, and then have your way with my lewd, decapitated body in any manner you see fit while my severed head looks on! By all that is holy, DO IT! PLEASE! I can't wai–!"_

 _He slashed the sword across her throat in an instant. Blood came spurting out, cutting off her final words. Bound, helpless, the once-admired heroine thrashed and kicked as she felt everything go shockingly cold. Her struggles died out, and she sank down to soft satin sheets stained with a defiled woman's life-blood._

 _Then he took a great hank of her hair and pulled it back, out of the way, baring her neck for the cleanest of strokes. Just one, that was all it would require, she could hear the muscles tightening in his powerful arm. As he prepared to behead her all she could think was, 'Yes! YES! Oh, my sweet avenging lord Goblin Sla–!'_

 _The short sword flashed._

"MERCIFUL SUPREME GOD!"

The door of the confessional burst open, and out tumbled a Neophyte Priest. The young member of holy orders sat gasping and sweating from the conflicting experiences surging through his skinny frame. Revulsion warred with yearning, causing him to quake from such powerful emotions!

Moments later, the other door opened, and the Archbishop herself came out, sensual body dressed in immaculate white garments while holding the sword-scales that was her mark of office. She turned her blindfolded head to regard him on the floor. The Neophyte Priest could only gape up at her in abject disbelief.

At last, Sword Maiden smiled.

"Believe me," she said, "I have heard far worse than that in the confessional box. You must become accustomed to this sort of thing if you are to serve the people and our God effectively."

She crouched beside him, exuding a warmth and kindness that only one who had walked in the footsteps of angels could possibly achieve. "I am pleased to welcome you into His service," she informed the newly anointed servant of the Temple. Holding out a hand, Sword Maiden graciously helped him to his feet. He stood there nervously, unable to take his eyes off her. "You may return to your quarters. And remember…"

At this the legendary hero laid a hand upon his shoulder.

"What you hear in the confessional can never be repeated. Under no circumstances are you allowed to divulge what you have learned from those who put their faith in you. Even should you seek the release of the confessional yourself. That is the burden we all must carry, for the sake of our flock."

She turned him around and sent him on his way with a gentle nudge. The youth tripped and nearly fell as he made his way out of the sanctuary. Sword Maiden watched him go with a contented smile before returning to her duties feeling notably more lighthearted. There was nothing she enjoyed more than showing trainees the ropes. Confession truly was good for the soul.

* * *

"Have you noticed all the priests in this town have a haunted look about them?" Spearman asked.

"What do you… mean?" His partner Sorceress had been leaning over the side of the bridge to watch the canal flowing by. She looked up and spied an ashen-faced young man with a tonsured head and holy vestments go stumbling past them.

"I dunno," Spearman shrugged and leaned against the railing beside her, his weapon tucked securely in the crook of one arm. "It's just been bugging me ever since we came. Not important, I guess."

"If you say… so."

The two Silver-ranked Adventurers left off their sightseeing and headed back towards the Guild building. This latest assignment had brought them to Water Town, where they availed themselves of a greater variety of goods and services to prepare for the trials ahead. You never knew when you were going to stumble across something nice in the big city.

" _And lo, twin arrows puncture the Kobold's brain! Even as the brute falls dead, GOBLIN SLAYER arises from the remains of the vile criminal's forces, his armor bespattered with goblin guts and entrails! A fey light burns in his eye as he turns to his colleagues and asks… 'Whither hence the goblins, fair comrades?'"_

The stalwart pair passed a troubadour entertaining his adoring audience on the street. Coins flew in abundance at the completion of his tale, and the gaily-dressed minstrel swept a bow before moving to collect the day's earnings. Sorceress couldn't help but smile at the recitation. Beside her, however, Spearman blew out his breath dismissively. "Tch! Like _Goblin Slayer_ ever called anybody _fair."_

"Don't be so hu… ffy," she teased him in turn. "One day, they'll… sing songs about you, no… doubt."

"Hrmph," he grunted and strode on ahead. Sorceress smiled affectionately before following along. The sounds of the street performer's accolades diminished behind them. It made her wonder how Goblin Slayer would react to hearing such accounts of his exploits. Probably wouldn't give it a second thought. He could be so very dense about these things. It was quite the trial for certain female members of his entourage. Kind of like some people I know, she thought, watching Spearman's retreating back.

Still, what would we do without them?

" _Abraca… dabra," Sorceress intoned and wiggled her fingers over her upturned hat. The audience of children leaned closer as she reached inside, and came out holding a goblin by the hair! The partygoers gasped in amazement while the yellow-eyed monster peered around the room as though wondering how it got here._

 _Then Goblin Slayer marched up onstage and slit the creature's throat with a knife._

 _Blood sprayed everywhere, besmirching the front row of children, including the birthday-girl herself. High-pitched voices screamed shrilly, and a furious mother came racing in from the sidelines. "You're FIRED!"_

 _Sorceress just smiled, and bowed._

* * *

 _The goblin's head and feet were the only parts of it visible sticking out of the box. They wiggled and thrashed in a panic, while above it, Goblin Slayer was busy using a huge serrated blade normally applied to felling trees as he sawed determinedly through the box. Hushed mutters came from the watching crowd._

" _I don't get it," the manager of the theater sounded a bit ill from his place beside Sorceress in the eaves. "What's the trick?"_

 _The gorgeous spellcaster tilted her head to one side and blew out a smoke stream. "Trick?"_

 _He darted a suspicious look at her, then back at the performance onstage. The saw was halfway through, and now the goblin began to screech in its unholy language. This incomprehensible jabber turned into an almighty shriek of pain as blood erupted from the beast's mouth and nostrils. Goblin Slayer kept right on sawing, not slackening in the slightest as gore and fat came pouring out of the sides. Several onlookers leapt up shouting in alarm._

 _As the frantic manager raced past her to put a stop to this, Sorceress smiled. "A magician never re… veals his secrets," she pronounced coyly._

* * *

" _And now," Sorceress closed the box, cutting off sight of the dozen or so scrabbling goblins her magic wall kept trapped inside, "my lovely assis… tant will complete the… illusion."_

 _Goblin Slayer stepped up to a rack of sharpened swords and drew one in each hand. He advanced towards the box from which the cries of the goblins could clearly be heard. Sorceress waved at an anxious nun near the back of the room who was clearly striving to make it known she would like a word with her. The gaggle of orphans watching didn't seem to mind. They were just glad to get some entertainment to liven up their dull day._

 _Just as she had taught him, Goblin Slayer paused with one sword upraised to heighten the tension. The children held their breaths. At last, with a grand flourish, he stabbed the sword into the box. Its tip came out the other side covered in blood. Moments later the second blade went in, and then Goblin Slayer trooped back to get some more. Inhuman screams filled the air as happy orphans cheered._

 _After being told in no uncertain terms that not only would they not be welcome back again, but that a special spot in hell was no doubt waiting for them both, the pair of entertainers packed up their gear and departed. They disposed of their 'props' in a pit along the way. Vultures flew overhead, having picked up long ago that wherever these two went, a fresh green feast was soon to follow._

" _You did… great," Sorceress reassured her lover, leaning over the front of the cart to plant a kiss on his helmet._

" _Go-o-o-o-blins," he rumbled in return and proceeded to haul their amateur troop down the road._

"What's so funny?" Spearman glanced over his shoulder with a grin, asking to be let in on the joke.

"Nothing," she giggled, fist pressed to her lips in amusement. "Just consi… dering a career… change."

"As what, a magic act?" he guffawed. Not for the first time, she wondered if maybe they could be spending a little _too_ much time together. While pondering this the pair approached the Guild Hall. It did not escape either of their attention that a huge crowd had gathered outside. What's with all the commotion? They exchanged a glance, and after Spearman pushed their way through to the open front doors, he marched in only to stop with an exclamation of surprise. "Hey, look who's here! It's…!"

* * *

" _So, like, I'm always in the party, y'know? Like, if I'm not there, nobody can go anywhere. And we, like, were on the boat, when all of a sudden, there was this Kraken, and it was real big, and it had tentacles. And I'm like, 'Excuse me? Did I, like, order calamari, and forget about it?' And my party was like, 'No, girl, you toats did NO-O-OT, cuz we, like, remember that you only eat seafood when you're on a diet.' Like, y'know?"_

 _Goblin Slayer had never been more thankful to be wearing a helmet. Not even to save himself from a concussion. Because of it, she couldn't see his eye starting to twitch._

 _Seated at the table across from him, Female Hero, the soldier of destiny herself, fresh off her triumph against the resurrected Demon Lord, was regaling him with her heroic… exploits. He didn't know why this strange young woman had suddenly sat down at his table. He didn't understand what her interest in him might be. She certainly hadn't mentioned goblins at any point. He would have remembered that._

 _His head was starting to spin._

" _I like to change up my party com-po-zi-shu-u-un, y'know? So, like, everybody gets a little XP, and they can learn new Skills, and that means new Double Techs, and maybe even Triple Techs for me, y'know? Like, those are super-duper helpfu-u-u-ul, when you're, like, dealing with counterattack mon-sters. Like, they can only hit one of you, y'know?"_

 _Goblin Slayer did not move. He did not speak. This was normal for him, but now… even more so. Like something was preventing him from leaving, or even asking her to stop. He was trapped here. With her._

 _And heaven help him…_

" _So I, like, did this No-Potions Run of the Underwater Ruins, cuz there's, like, no real challenge to it these days. Like, I got the Mermaid Corset, so I can, like, breathe underwater now, and that makes it too easy. Monsters just su-u-u-ck."_

 _She would not… SHUT…_ UP!

 _A high-pitched ringing was steadily growing in his ears. He could feel his heartbeat pounding, loud and unrestrained. Blackness started to creep in around his field of vision._

" _My Charisma is, like, through the roof, y'know? I could Charm a Red Dragon now, and my party thinks I should, cuz then we could, like, ride it, and get where we're going really fast, but I'm, like, not sure I want to, y'know? Like, the journey is, like, half the battle, y'know? Or the destination, or knowing is the battle. I dunno. Do you think I'm pretty?"_

 _That pounding had a voice now. Kill-KILL-kill-KILL-kill-KILL. Usually he only experienced this when faced with a goblin. But Female Hero was not a goblin…_

" _I think you should, like, join my party. I've got an outfit picked out for you, and it's, like, super awesome, and it would match your eyes. Oh, that reminds me, take off your helmet, let me see your eyes. I'm, like, super good at picking out new Helper characters, but I need to see their eyes. They're, like, the window to the soul. Like my eyes? They say I'm amazi-i-i-ng. Like I can't be beat, y'know? My party's name is 'NoOOBS!', y'know? With, like, an exclamation mark, and No Noobs squished together, so that it's, like, subtle."_

… _or was she?_

" _I'm, like, favored by the Gods, y'know? Like they just want me to win. I've got this sword, and her name is 'Violentta', like 'violent' and 'Bayonetta' put together, have you ever seen me cosplay as her? I look super ho-o-o-t. Anyways it's a +5 vorpal sword of sharpness, and it triples my stats, and makes me, like, have a critical hit rate of, like, Crono's Rainbow Sword, which is…"_

 _His vision swam._

"… _not to date you, or whatever, cuz you look super old, maybe it's the armor…"_

 _Female Hero's nose grew out and became hooked. Her eyes shrank into little yellow lumps. Warts grew on her chin, her teeth turned crooked and broken, ears lengthening into points. The words she spoke became a noisome chattering. And the skin… it was green, the color of GOBLINS…!_

"… _I think Sword Maiden is your sis-te-e-e-e-er. Like she's blonde, and she's got, like, amnesia, cuz of what the goblins did to her, and now she's, like, in love with you, and-GMPH!"_

 _The dagger came easily to his hand, and then he was stabbing her._

 _Stabbing, stabbing, stabbing the goblin. Divine voices in his head tried to force him to stop, telling him this was not a goblin, but Goblin Slayer paid them no mind._

" _OH, GODS HELP ME! GODS HELP ME, GODS HELP ME! GO–_ WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME, GODS? I AM YOUR LOYAL SERVANT! I PRAISE YOUR NAME! WHY ARE YOU LETTING ME BE STABBED TO DEATH BY A PSYCHO?!"

 _Yes, he could do this, because it was a goblin. And he was Goblin Slayer. The Gods had no say in that._

 _It was that simple._

"But it was so easy, I just walked in there and said, 'Hey, you! Yeah, you! You know what time it is? That's right, it's Hero Time! And BAM! I let 'im have it!"

Female Hero and her party were the center of attention in the hall. Everyone wanted to get a look at the champions who had rescued their realm from tyranny. Goblin Slayer's party made room on the bench for Spearman and Sorceress to sit down. Both did so, very slowly, with looks of wonder on their faces. Perhaps they would change their minds after a while.

For his part, Goblin Slayer knew he had to leave before he did something… crazy.

"I believe Long Ears had a wee bit too much. Could one of you…?"

Goblin Slayer stood upright. "I'll take her."

Ignoring the looks of surprise this earned him, he moved to where their teammate had slumped over the tabletop, cheeks bright red and a drunken happy smile on her face. He pried the half-empty grog cup from her grip, then bent and maneuvered her limp form onto his back. Taking firm hold of the elf's legs, he walked in hunchback fashion towards the stairs. For once he was grateful their Ranger had no capacity for alcohol.

High Elf Archer mumbled something against him before wrapping her arms around his neck with a sigh. Her breath reeked of wine, and he was half-convinced she might throw up on him before they reached the rooms they had reserved. This was not the worst thing that could happen, he reflected. Goblin Slayer wasn't sure what might have put those thoughts in his head earlier. But he knew himself well enough to recognize when a strategic retreat was in order.

By necessity, his path took him near Female Hero's position where she continued to proselytize to a rapt audience. He drew within a few paces of her.

"So I, like, opened the treasure chest, and all these monsters came out, and everybody thought we were going to die, but I was like, 'Hello-o-o, do you see what it says over my head? That reads, 'Hero', y'all, so you's best step off 'fore I get triggered, and…"

Goblin Slayer's eyes alighted on a meat cleaver sticking out of a serving board piled with roast aurochs.

 _Pick it up. Bury it in her skull before anyone can react. Fight your way out._

"Orcbolg? Where we goin'?"

The slurred voice in his ear brought him back to reality. Goblin Slayer passed by the Hero's soliloquy without incident. He made it up the stairs, found the right room, and helped a grumpy High Elf Archer out of her boots before tucking her into bed. He then lay down on a cot opposite to try and get some sleep.

For some reason, Goblin Slayer found himself appreciating the women in his life more than ever. It made for pleasant dreams.

 _ **FIN.**_


	4. Chapter 4

A rap on the tabletop got her attention. Guild Inspector looked up to find Spearman leaning over the counter. "Yoh! What's happening?" he asked with a blazing grin.

"Oh, nothing much." She offered a cheerful smile in return. "Just restocking the forms."

"Cool. Always busy around here." She didn't fool herself into thinking he was particularly interested in her daily routine. Sure enough, his eyes had already drifted towards the back room. "So… is she back there?"

Inspector smirked mischievously. "No, sorry. She's sitting in with someone upstairs."

A slight frown indicated some acute suspicion had soured his mood. "Who's she with?"

Oh, got it in one! "Goblin Slayer."

"Tch!" Spearman grimaced and spit to one side.

"You see, there's a territorial dispute in terms of hunting areas…"

"Uh-huh." He nodded absently.

"…and we're insisting on cooperation but the other party doesn't want to budge…"

"Great." He shifted restlessly and cast an anxious look towards the top floor.

"…so from now on all Adventurers must smear honey on their nipples and drink a quart of pickle brine while applying hot irons to their privates."

"Yeah, you said it." At that point reality finally seemed to dawn on Spearman. He rounded on her incredulously. "Wait, _what?!"_

"Just kidding." Inspector tapped a stack of forms on the tabletop to get them all in line. "I'll let her know you asked."

"Oh… well, uh… thanks." He retreated back to his partner, who had been watching their interaction closely. Inspector couldn't help but grin. She did enjoy teasing people on occasion, and the love dodecahedron surrounding her colleague in the Guild was a prime source of enjoyment. Hard to say who in that coupling was having a harder time of it. Sorceress seemed content to wait for Spearman to wake up and notice everything she had to offer (though if he hasn't by now, chances are he never would). Guild Gal seemed as determined to reject _his_ entreaties as she was to pursue Goblin Slayer. Add in the growing list of other girls meant there was never a dull moment around here. Which was just the way she liked it.

Inspector dutifully busied herself with preparing a report to the Church and home office. At the same time, she couldn't help but let her mind drift a little. When you got right down to it, a lot of headaches could be avoided if Goblin Slayer would just hook up with someone outside the group. No rifts formed that way.

I wonder…

" _Here you go!" Inspector ladled out a bowl of warm nourishing soup which Goblin Slayer passed to the homeless man, who sobbed in gratitude before shuffling off. Her heart ached a bit at the sight of someone being brought to tears over such small comforts._

 _Looking over at Goblin Slayer, she said, "This is nice."_

" _Yes."_

 _Right then Guild Gal walked up behind her, grasped Inspector's head in both hands and gave a sharp twist. *SNAP*! The dead body flopped to the table with a muffled thud._

Inspector blinked.

Five seconds. That lasted longer than usual.

She uttered a somewhat shaky laugh and got back to work. There was little likelihood of something like that actually transpiring. But the possibility alone had long left her convinced she should simply remain an observer. Fewer dead bodies that way.

* * *

Spearman was brooding as he came stomping into the tavern, but drew up short when an eager face thrust into his own. _"Mreow!_ Tarts fresh from the oven, sir! Boysenberry, gooseberry, take your pick! They're guaranteed to lift your spirits!"

"Whatever," he grumbled and strode on by. Sorceress followed, mouthing _'Two, please,'_ as she did.

Padfoot Waitress grinned and skipped on over to the kitchen, swishing her skirts whilst humming contentedly.

The young woman felt thrilled, as was her wont. Customers who came into the tavern were all great in their way, but Adventurers really did something for her. They were just so tasty and juicy! Each one was a different dish in and of themselves! Take those two, for instance. She was cool and pretty, like a dessert, while he was hot and flashy, like spicy sausages! When you ate them together, it made a full meal! Padfoot Waitress loved filling folks up.

"Pussy-Willow! We'd like some more ale over here!"

"Be right there!" The cat-girl waved at the dwarf where he sat with his teammates. The elf was pounding her tankard on the table while declaring volubly about something. Her face was already red after just one drink. Her exotic lizard friend was doing his best to get her to calm down. Not like it ever worked. Lucky for him the goblin guy wasn't with them. That always seemed to set the Archer off on an even bigger row.

Padfoot Waitress couldn't help but grin at their shenanigans. She really loved Adventurers! The thought of them boldly venturing into uncharted territories to risk their lives was so exciting! So romantic! It made a girl's heart swell with the thought of bigger and better things out there! Monsters! Danger! Excitement! All the best flavors of the world! The stories they made were like carefully seasoned dishes for the mind and soul, not just the belly! In fact…

" _Oh, my dearest wife!" Wealthy Goblin flopped to his fat knees before her. "My sweet, my darling, my most precious treasure! The time has come for us to part once again!"_

" _Mreow." Bedecked in glittering jewels and a gauzy salacious outfit, Padfoot Mistress reclined on the couch before him smoking a hookah. "Have a good day, dear." She did not bother to look at her husband as she spoke._

" _My love!" her warty green spouse gasped. "Will you not favor me with but a glance? It sears my soul to leave your side! Are you displeased somehow with the home which I ordered built for you?" He gestured around them. The boudoir in which they resided was filled with the splash of fountains, the cries of exotic birds resting on equally exotic plants, and all manner of fancy trappings that just screamed 'rich!' And this was only one apartment in the fabulous complex that crowned the highest hilltop in town._

" _No." The lady of the household sighed, eyes drifting lazily over the ritzy environment. "It's fine."_

 _Wealthy Goblin struggled to rise, panting and sweating through his silks. "Only fine? That will not do! When I return, I'll have another palace built, even more grandiose than this one! You'll see! Though many mocked the disparity in our age when we wed, I assure you our love will make fools of them all! You do love me, don't you, dearest?"_

" _Sure." She blew out a great ring of heady smoke._

" _I knew it!" The fat monster clapped his hands in delight. "No expense shall be spared! Oh, my sweet, my silken pookie-wookie!" He dashed forward and began kissing her hand in sloppy fashion, which she permitted him to do. "How I worry so over you! Night and day, it gives me no rest! In fact, were I not certain you were in such capable hands, I could never bring myself to leave your side! Thankfully, that is not the case." He swung around, yellow eyes shining with gratitude. "Isn't that right, Maid Slayer?"_

" _Yes." Standing respectfully off to one side wearing a full suit of armor with a maid's outfit over that was Maid Slayer. A pink ribbon had been tied in the red crest of his helmet._

" _Well, I must be off." Wealthy Goblin swung around and plodded towards the exit. "Take care of my dazzling jewel, Maid Slayer! I'm counting on you!"_

" _Yes."_

 _Padfoot Mistress' eyes watched her husband leave, her expression never changing._

 _Only when the door shut did she drop the pipe and fling herself at Maid Slayer. "Oh, my love!"_

" _Yes." He didn't budge an inch as she cannoned into him. The feline temptress wrapped arms and legs around his solid frame to begin planting kisses all over his neck and helmet._

" _Oh, lover!" she purred in a frenzy of repressed sexuality. "I can't stand the thought of that pig's hands on my body! Knowing that you're waiting for me whenever he's gone is the only thing that keeps me from going totally insane!"_

" _Yes."_

" _Sweet-talker," she giggled, observing his profile with adoring eyes before swarming all over him at such speed anyone watching would have been hard-pressed to keep tabs on her. She crawled across his rigid frame with wanton abandon like a kitten at play. "It's so good you got this job, baby! It means we never have to be apart."_

" _Yes."_

 _Sitting on his shoulders while bent over to run her tongue across his visor, she paused and looked up. "But you know…"_

 _Padfoot Mistress rested her large breasts on top of his head and played thoughtfully with his ribbon. "It occurs to me that we'd be a lot happier if my husband were… out of the way."_

 _Maid Slayer made no response._

" _That would mean we could be together for real." She traced circles around his shoulder-guards with one finger. "You'd like that, right?"_

"… _Yes." The reply was a bit halting._

" _Oh, baby!" She flung herself upon him once more, showering the motionless servant with kisses. "I can't believe you'd really do that for me! It's so brave of you! Rescuing me from that beast!"_

" _Yes."_

" _And you'd do it yourself, right? You wouldn't get anybody else involved. You'd kill that stinky old goblin yourself, wouldn't you?"_

" _Yes."_

 _She purred hungrily. "Oh, you are such a MAN! I guess I can't stop you if that's what you want to do. I know how much you love me." Her head popped up over his shoulder. "Of course the idea was all yours. If anybody asks or, heaven forbid, you get caught after the fact, you'll protect me, won't you?" She then popped up over the other shoulder. "You won't breathe a word about my being involved, right? You'd do that for me." She stroked a finger under his jaw. "Wouldn't you?"_

"… _Yes."_

" _Perfect." She gave him another kiss on the cheek and hopped off. "That dagger I gave him as a gift should do the job. He carries it with him everywhere. You can take it from him. Use it to get the job done. I'll tell you what tavern he's planning to stay at. He always uses the same one, the food is so incredible, you should try it while you're there! It's the place where he and I met, actually. Kind of fitting that our relationship should end there too. You just run along and tidy up, baby. I'll get everything ready for you."_

 _Maid Slayer swung about and marched from the room. Padfoot Mistress watched him go, toying playfully with the silver bell on its satin loop around her neck. All the ingredients were together simmering nicely away. She just had to know when the lid should come off the pot. In cooking, timing was essential._

"Hey! Order up!"

"What? Oh, sorry!"

Padfoot Waitress collected the food and went to deliver it to their hungry customers. That one was pretty good. Really racy. She sometimes wondered if she should write down some of these stories that popped into her head. Folks might like to read that sort of thing. Bit trashy, sure, but it takes all kinds.

* * *

"THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT! OUR QUEST BEATS SOME STINKY OLD GOBLINS! IT'S VITAL!"

"If we could just focus on the territory borders," Guild Gal attempted to make herself heard over the claptrap, "I'm sure there's no reason for either party to…"

"NO! I REFUSE!" With that Female Hero crossed her arms and sat on the sofa with a loud *Hmph!*

Across from her, the man known as Goblin Slayer simply said, "I see."

That set the headstrong girl off again. Negotiations were not going well, to say the least.

Sage sat next to her party leader silently reading a book during this dispute. The representative of the Guild trying to settle the matter sounded ready to strangle their Hero, Platinum-level Adventurer notwithstanding. For her part, the magic-user couldn't tell which of the other two participants was being less helpful in finding a solution. Female Hero had taken immediate offense at the prospect of a goblin hunt impeding their own, while the other fellow… said little, but every word out of his mouth seemed to drive Hero wild.

The master mage pondered. Sword Saint had trusted her to handle their volatile comrade while she made inquiries elsewhere. The prospect had been met with little enthusiasm on her part. And that sentiment was proving positively clairvoyant. How to breach the impasse? Technically they were in the wrong, since the other party had submitted their paperwork first. But Female Hero insisted their status should count for something. She seemed to feel very strongly about this mission for some reason. Could there be more to it? Was this whole debacle personal? Could it have something to do with the man himself?

Goblin Slayer. A patient, methodical fellow from all accounts. Rather like herself. Two naturally quiet people. A casual observer might think them to be a better fit in terms of party dynamics than her current composition.

"SAY SOMETHING ALREADY! BACK ME UP!"

The volume of this shout made Sage's ears ache. Apparently she was being asked to participate. The deadpan young woman considered her fuming leader and the faceless man seated opposite.

 _They sat on either side of the table. Watching each other._

 _This… was an interview._

 _At last Sage spoke._

" _Would you ever insist we exit a dungeon after reaching the main boss and go all the way through it AGAIN… just because 'the first time didn't feel right'?"_

" _No," Goblin Slayer said._

 _Or some might say, an interrogation._

 _Sage leaned forward slightly in her seat. "Would you ever spend all your money on a roulette wheel just to see what all the prizes might be?"_

 _Again, "No."_

 _Sage's eyes narrowed. "If I were to spend three hours…" She had to take a breath to steady herself. "…shooting arrows at lobbed pumpkins to get 'the big shiny one', would you call it worthwhile?"_

" _No."_

" _Do you think it's sane to accept a request from a random old woman on the street to find her lost chickens when there is an evil army from another dimension bent on invading the land?"_

 _Here he hesitated. "Were the chickens taken by goblins?"_

" _No."_

" _Then no."_

 _Sage licked her lips. "Is finding a giant demon monster standing by itself in some random spot on the globe where it isn't hurting anyone a good excuse to fight it?"_

" _No."_

 _Her heart was beating faster._

" _Have you ever collected 1,000 pieces of junk because somebody told you they'd give you a fancy weapon for it?"_

" _No."_

" _Would you be willing to spend WEEKS playing card games with people to power up your cards and reach 'the highest rank'?"_

" _No."_

 _She could hardly restrain herself._

" _Could you jump rope 1,000 times consecutively just to get a title?"_

" _No."_

" _Last question…"_

 _With that Sage leapt atop the table and sat in front of him. Spreading her legs, she gazed down on that impassive figure with eyes that flashed condemnation. "If I told you to ravish me right here and now in full view of everyone in this room, what would you say?"_

 _He looked at her legs, then her large shapely breasts, and finally her cold, bewitching face._

 _Rising slowly upright, Goblin Slayer placed both hands to either side of her on the tabletop, leaning in until his helm was right against her nose._

" _I would break you," he whispered._

 _Sage began to breathe very hard now._

" _Take me!" she commanded him._

 _His hands seized hold of her hips, lifting her up into position as she gave a quick gasp of excitement at his strength. Then he THRUST…!_

"WELL?!"

Sage sighed. "I was right at the good part."

Female Hero frowned. "Would you forget about your book? This is IMPORTANT!"

"I know." She placed a tab in the tome to mark her spot. "So let's get serious…"

 _ **FIN.**_


	5. Chapter 5

"Is she alright?"

It was Goblin Slayer of all people who asked. Initially too surprised at hearing him speak to respond, the members of Heavy Fighter's party paused in their carousing long enough to finally notice that one of their number, Druid Girl, was lying face-down on the table.

"Hmm." Tankard in hand, Female Knight stood and leaned over to tap the tiny nature mage on the shoulder. There came a distressed grumble and slight shifting on the part of their colleague before settling down. The fair-haired warrior nodded as though satisfied. "Eh, just asleep. Had a bit too much to drink, I guess."

 _I am NOT asleep,_ Druid Girl thought in return. _In fact, I'm… I'm… Zzz-z-z-z…_

"Hope she's having sweet dreams," Heavy Fighter smiled into his half-empty cup of grog.

"Hrmm," Goblin Slayer grunted and walked off.

 _Druid Girl and Goblin Slayer bounded joyfully hand-in-hand through a field of flowers. Sweet music played, and everything was going in slow motion. The young Adventurer could hardly believe her luck. Are we really together? Me and GOBLIN SLAYER, of all people?! We're going to be so happy! I just know it!_

 _As she pranced merrily along, they passed Cow Girl wearing a pleasant smile with hands clasped behind her back and ample chest thrust outward._

 _Goblin Slayer's head turned to watch her go by._

* * *

" _You can't just keep taking goblin quests!" Wearing an apron, Druid Girl slapped her palm on the kitchen table in distress. "They don't pay enough! You need to do more to support our family!"_

" _Hrmm," Goblin Slayer grunted while shoveling in breakfast. He still never took off his helm._

 _She was wondering what to say next, when suddenly there came a tapping at the window. When they looked over it was to find High Elf Archer smiling craftily at them. The glamorous Elf breathed against the windowpane to fog it up, then drew a little head with an ugly face and pointy ears. She swiped a big 'X' through the picture._

 _Goblin Slayer stood up. "Gotta go. Goblins." And he proceeded to stalk out._

" _Wait!" Druid Girl sought to follow, but her belly was so big it made it hard to stand. By the time she did he was already out the door. As she waddled awkwardly after them, Druid Girl clearly heard the Elf say, "Boy, she REALLY let herself go."_

 _The door slammed shut on her sobs._

* * *

" _Please," Druid Girl sniffled, trying in vain to rock the howling baby in her arms to sleep. There were bags under the Rhea's eyes, pretty purple hair a tangled mess. Even her pointy ears were drooping. Three more kids ran around the main hall of the Guild Building screaming bloody murder. They all wore little helmets. "Help me," came her desperate plea over this din._

 _Goblin Slayer silently appraised the mayhem that was their home life. All of a sudden Guild Gal leaned over the counter to hand him a quest sheet. He quickly snatched it up. "Sorry. No time. Goblins."_

 _He disappeared into the back room followed by Guild Gal, who turned a smile brimming with sweetness on the overwhelmed mother before trotting after, swinging full voluptuous hips with every step._

 _As the door shut in her face, the frazzled Druid howled, "GIVE ME BACK MY YOUTH!"_

* * *

 _Breathing heavily, Druid Girl reached for the door handle only to hesitate, then ripped it open with savage force._

" _Ohmigoddess! D-Druid Drudge! This isn't what it looks like! This is… um… uh… the Resurrection Miracle! Yeah, that's it! If you sleep next to a virgin, all your wounds are healed! I swear it's just part of my job! Don't… DON'T…!"_

 _Uttering a deranged shriek, the Rhea hefted a meat cleaver and charged._

 _Moments later Goblin Slayer came scrabbling out on all fours. He still wore the helmet, only now he was a dog for some reason._ "Bark _-oblins!" he yelped, and sped off from the awful massacre._

Everyone at the table jumped as Druid Girl snapped upright with a yell of "GOBLINS!" before falling drunkenly off the bench. All agreed it would be best to let her sleep it off.

* * *

At the shout "GOBLINS!" Spearwoman's ears perked up. She turned from her position at the counter where she had dropped off a delivery of produce and sure enough, there he was. Moving towards the exit with the purpose and focus of a wolf on the scent.

Goblin Slayer. The man who saved her life, sanity and pride.

There was no telling how long it might take for her nightmares from being held captive by goblins to fade. But there were other dreams the young woman had that nearly made up for them. Ones featuring that silent hero alone. The memory was so strong for a moment Spearwoman found herself seized by the utterly irrational urge to rush over and fling herself on him without any inhibition whatsoever!

Instead, she just stood there.

Why? All it would take was the courage and conviction to walk up to him and say…

I love you?

I _need_ you?

Spearwoman bit her lip from the internal struggle. Pain served to remind the conflicted beauty what she really felt. Because quite simply, she didn't trust herself to make a move towards him. Not yet. Not when she hadn't even fully come to terms with what took place in that dank cave, what they both experienced. And she knew, she _knew…_ this might be the last time they would ever have a chance to talk. He was an Adventurer; no more dangerous job in the world. If he walked out that door he might never come back. It was just a matter of chance.

Of course… one of them had a luck so strong it got us both through that ordeal. Maybe him. Maybe me. So who's to say that it won't ensure we both get another opportunity to meet?

And with that, Spearwoman watched the man of her dreams depart. She did not make a move. Instead, she allowed herself to fantasize…

 _Spearwoman and Goblin Slayer sat opposite one another at a kitchen table in the home they shared. Each had a large sheet of paper containing Guild news and assignments spread before their faces. Neither spoke._

 _Slowly, the paper lowered, allowing Spearwoman's eyes to peer over the top. They gleamed with an eerie light._

" _I'm hungry," she rumbled._

 _Across from her, Goblin Slayer's paper shivered._

" _Are_ you _hungry?"_

 _Slowly, the other paper lowered, and Goblin Slayer said, "I'm always hungry."_

 _Both leapt up at the same time. Spearwoman dashed over to a solid oaken door in their home and quickly unlocked it to race inside. Behind her Goblin Slayer came pushing a heavy wooden crate with the words 'Box o' Goblins' emblazoned on it. The large room he entered was windowless, ringed by torches, and at its center stood a great metal cage._

 _Inside the cage Spearwoman already awaited him eagerly with her namesake artifact draped over one shoulder. The tall fighter was completely naked except for a pair of leather boots, allowing her toned well-endowed body to speak for itself. Goblin Slayer pushed the box through the cage door, then locked it behind him. On both hands he slid spiked knuckledusters too large for a goblin before grasping an evil-looking war hammer, proceeding to slide the spike into a gap in the box's side and wrench it open._

 _Out came spilling a batch of goblins. The first thing they saw was a beautiful naked woman, and they dove at her with glad squeals. None of that first wave seemed to appreciate she was armed._

 _Spearwoman made them pay for that. Eager goblins wound up spitted along its sharp length for their troubles. Realizing at last the danger, the remaining monsters sought an escape, only to find Goblin Slayer waiting for them. Their howls as he shattered small green limbs were silenced by tempered steel punches to their misshapen faces. His partner relished these cries as she kicked twitching bodies off her spear, whipping it around in a flashing arc of razor-tipped death. Goblin blood spattered across her grinning face, splashed hot between her breasts, and she couldn't stop laughing. Some tried to escape by squeezing through the spaces between the cage bars, only for their big ugly heads to get stuck. This didn't last long, as a booted foot shoved them violently through so hard their skulls burst, eyeballs flying out with gruesome pops._

 _At last the box was empty. Panting, Spearwoman looked expectantly around. All done?_

 _A heavy weight cannoned into her from behind. In an instant she found herself lifted up and rammed against cold metal bars. Gasping, the young woman looked over one shoulder with a blood-spattered smile at Goblin Slayer's featureless mask. She dropped her weapon to take hold of the steel cage, running her fingers up and down their smooth shafts even while his iron-clad body pressed solidly against her back. At the feel of his hard spear thrusting up past her natural defenses, Spearwoman threw herself against the bars of the cage screaming, "Yes, YES, YEEES!"_

"That's a 'yes' to the special of the day! Have that out in a jiffy, _meow!"_

Spearwoman blinked as the feline serving girl hopped off to relay her order. She glanced around abashedly, face turning red, before quietly taking a seat in the corner to wait for her meal. Whatever it might prove to be.

This gave her time to get back to more important things.

* * *

Sword Saint spun about with weapon drawn. "WHO GOES THERE?!"

" _Mo-o-o-o!"_ came the response. The cow regarded her placidly, swishing its tail to dispel flies, before proceeding to drop a large cow pie right there in the road.

"Oops!" a red-headed girl in overalls popped up from behind its mottled flanks. "Looks like you scared the… well, y'know, out of her."

"My apologies." The acclaimed guardian of virtue put up her blade to offer a humble bow. "I must keep my wits sharp lest evil o'ertake the land."

"Oh, no problem," the young woman waved off her trespass with good cheer. "Flies have to eat too. Excuse me." With a veritable bounce in her step that fair form took the bovine's lead and skipped across the street. There an armored figure Sword Saint recognized as the inscrutable Goblin Slayer emerged from a building to join the farmhand. They spoke together for a while. It soon became evident that their relationship was more than simple acquaintances.

Sword Saint studied the pair as they continued on their way. Even she could tell it was passing odd for the notoriously unsociable Goblin Slayer to interact with anyone outside of his work. Perhaps they were lovers off to engage in some romantic tryst? That sort of thing did happen. Or rather, it _could_ happen, now that the threat of the Demon Lord and his forces was finally ended. The land was safe and its people could return to their natural healthy lives. Even Goblin Slayer deserved a chance to find happiness, in her opinion at least.

Yes. Everyone was entitled to love in this world. Everyone indeed.

 _Sword Saint regarded her betrothed Goblin Slayer seated across from her at the table. There was something afoot. She felt sure of it._

" _Have you remained occupied in my absence?" she demanded hotly._

" _He sure has." This response came courtesy of High Elf Archer, who sat with her back pressed against Goblin Slayer's arm. The forest-dweller reached behind to rub a gloved finger lazily over that battered helm, purring softly, her green eyes aglow like a cat._

" _I see." Sword Saint regarded them with suspicion. An unspoken question hung in the air. Dare she voice it? Surely someone could allay her misgivings! Perhaps she should ask the redoubtable Sword Maiden, who was currently draped around Goblin Slayer's shoulders while tracing circles over his breastplate. If anyone could settle the matter, it was that legendary figure herself! Best to wait 'til after she finishes stuffing her blindfold down his codpiece._

" _Aught seems amiss," she insisted with stubborn fervor. "I have reason to doubt your devotion to me!"_

" _I'm sure… you're imagining things." Sorceress blew out a smoke ring from her place on Goblin Slayer's other side. She took his unresisting hand and placed it securely between her ripe melons, giving it a firm pat to keep it there and causing that bounteous décolletage to jiggle._

 _Livid, the world's savior sprang up from the table and slammed her palms furiously on the table. "Do not toy with me! There's someone ELSE, isn't there?! Out with it!"_

" _What, what?!" Cow Girl's head popped up from beneath the table in front of Goblin Slayer. She swiftly realized her mistake and slowly retreated out of sight with an embarrassed mumble._

 _Seated adjacent, Goblin Slayer tilted his helm. "You are correct."_

" _I KNEW IT!" Sword Saint crossed her arms with a triumphant expression. "Tell me, who is it that has caught your eye?"_

 _The armored Adventurer looked around at all the gorgeous girls hanging off him, as though uncertain whether he actually needed to answer that question._

 _As for the ladies, an unspoken communication seemed to pass between them. As one, they all looked at Sword Saint and said at the same time with great assurance, "Goblins."_

" _Of course!" the mistress of blades exclaimed in ringing tones. "Goblins! It all makes sense! Fear not, my love!" She withdrew her saber and brandished it aloft. "I shall not rest until I have rid the world of all their ilk, leaving us free to love one another as only a man and a woman should! Hark, green-skinned scum of the world! Your doom approaches!" With that she swept from the tavern intent upon her mission and buoyed by the righteous spirit of romance!_

 _Cow Girl peeked up from under the table again. "Sharp as a cow flop, that one."_

 _Sage's cowled head popped up beside her. "Blows me away every time."_

Sword Saint frowned. It felt as thought the gods were trying to tell her something with that vision. What could it be?

"Ah, of course! They must wish me to investigate goblin activity in this region! I shall do so post-haste!"

She took one step forward, right in the mound of manure left behind by the cow previously. Not to be deterred, Sword Saint set off to locate her compatriots and inform them of their next mission.

Meanwhile, the gods looked at one another and thought, _'Why do we even bother?'_

 _ **FIN.**_


	6. Chapter 6

The thump of cloth and jingling coin immediately caught her attention, and Apprentice Cleric looked across the room to spy Goblin Slayer's party at the counter. They had just returned from what must have been a lucrative assignment judging by the size of the reward received.

As they chatted amongst themselves the rookie Adventurer enviously noted the Elven archer's well-crafted weapons, the Fencer's expensive-looking gear, and the Dwarf's… expansive gut. Her own stomach took this moment to growl, as though shamefully reminding the young woman that she had been forced to limit breakfast today to a single order of eggs in the interest of conserving cash. Irritated at herself all over again, the Cleric nursed a cup of water while observing the other mercs moodily. All experienced Silver-ranks (mostly), all doing well for themselves by the look of things. They certainly never lacked for work.

She caught wind of their leader Goblin Slayer conversing with the Guild staff. The sight of him made her uncomfortable. He's just so… _abnormal._ Is having to work with him really worth the easy money that comes from killing run-of-the-mill goblins?

She glanced down at her own shabby equipment, already looking threadbare after less than a year on the job, then back at Goblin Slayer. He's probably loaded by now and can afford to equip his teammates with whatever they need. Must be like having a rich boyfriend, come to think of it.

The Cleric had another sip of water and thought. If I really wanted to, could I…?

 _Her fine new high-quality robe and oh-so comfortable boots seemed to encase Apprentice Cleric's body like a lover's touch. Good thing too, because she could use all the comfort she could get right now. The Porcelain Adventurer peered anxiously into impenetrable darkness ahead clutching her brand-new staff tightly, pleased with its solid heft and the pulse of extra magic imbued through the wood._

" _Are you scared?"_

 _She turned to where Goblin Slayer had come up, holding a torch that lit the large cave they now stood in. The tone of his voice made her uneasy all over again._

" _Look, Goblin Slayer, I appreciate you paying for my new gear, but let's get one thing straight." She then took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and stated in a firm voice, "This is strictly professional. We are NOT on a date!"_

 _That blank helmet stared back at her for longer than she felt comfortable. At last his hollow voice emerged once more. "You are correct."_

 _She felt her tension ease a little bit. "Well, good, I'm glad we're clear on that."_

" _This is not a date. It is a bait."_

 _The Cleric frowned. "Abate? What's that supposed to m –?"_

 _Next thing she knew, her hands were bound securely behind her back. Shocked, the girl felt more ropes slide around her chest, and before she could resist the poor thing was hoisted into the air to dangle eight feet off the ground._

 _WHAT'S GOING ON?!_

" _Wh…" she managed but could get no further._

 _Goblin Slayer finished tying the line that held her to a hook on the wall. He turned and drew his sword. "Now… wiggle."_

" _Excuse me?!" Apprentice Cleric gaped at him incredulously._

" _The goblins will be here soon," he explained in patient tones. "Your job is to keep them distracted with your alluring female body while I kill them."_

" _I DID NOT SIGN ON FOR THIS SHIT, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"_

" _But your partner said I could do whatever I wanted," he replied, sounding almost confused by her understandable recalcitrance. "He let me have you in exchange for a sword."_

 _Rookie Fighter popped up out of nowhere, grinning hugely and brandishing his weapon. "I got a new sword!" he chirped, sounding totally pleased with himself._

" _Mother fu…" The Cleric stared aghast. "You traded me in for a FANCY SWORD?!"_

" _Actually," and here the Smithy Kid popped up too wearing a nasty grin. "It was the CHEAPEST one we had!"_

" _You…" The panicked girl began to flail and kick, which only made her swing back and forth in helpless fashion. "YOU CRAZY BASTARD! Are you completely INSANE?! Get me down this instant or I swear I'll report your SICK GOBLIN-LOVING ASS TO THE GUILD!"_

" _There's no need to be rude." A scuffling noise came from down the tunnel's length, and Goblin Slayer quickly stepped to one side with his back pressed against the wall, short sword held in both hands. "The other one didn't complain as much."_

" _Other… one?" Apprentice Cleric stopped struggling for a moment. Slowly she turned her head, and an awful scream rent the air as her eyes locked with the empty sockets of a skeletal corpse dangling a few feet to the right. The thing was little more than a collection of bones held together by shrunken skin, but the rotting white garments and golden hair that still clung to its scalp told her this was…_

" _Good," Goblin Slayer nodded approvingly. "Scream just like that. They like it."_

 _As he spoke a swarm of goblins came pouring out of the tunnel. Upon spotting the helpless woman hoisted aloft they fell over one another in their efforts to reach that enticing form. Cackling and hooting, none of them seemed to notice Goblin Slayer creeping up behind with blade at the ready. And then the blood began to flow…_

" _YOU CRAZY BASTARD!" Apprentice Cleric struggled over a sea of tiny clutching claws and loathsome drooling green faces. "YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"_

" _Keep it up!" Goblin Slayer roared, his sword crashing through skulls and shearing off limbs. "They like it! THEY L-I-I-I-KE I-I-I-IT!"_

" _YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"_

" _I got a new sword!" Rookie Fighter chirped happily._

" _It was SUPER cheap," Smithy Kid leered._

" _THEY L-I-I-I-KE I-I-I-IT!"_

" _YOU CRAZY–!"_

"Hey, check it out!"

Apprentice Cleric was shaken from her bizarre daydream as Rookie Fighter came dashing up to her. He proudly displayed for her a brand-new sword in its scabbard.

"What do you think? I got it from the smithy. Don't worry, it was super cheap, so there's no need to…" The kid paused as he noticed the look on his partner's face. "W… what? _What?!"_

* * *

Noble Fencer took note when a girl about her age upended a tankard on a young swordsman's head, kicked him in the shin and went storming off. The kid chased after her demanding to know what he did wrong.

I would have smiled at that only a month ago. Now… nothing. Well, not quite…

It makes me want to kill goblins.

Is that all I care about now? What am I turning into? The person I was died on that mountain. If so, what's left?

"We part ways here. This is your share."

She broke off her line of thought to find the man called Goblin Slayer standing before her holding out a bag of coins. Noble Fencer looked at it, then shook her head. "I can't," she explained. "This was your quest. I failed mine. There's no reward for failure."

"This is not a reward."

The fair-haired noblewoman gave him a penetrating look. "Whatever you call it, I…"

"This is an investment. In your future. If you wish to hunt goblins, you will need resources." He took her hand and placed the pouch securely in it. "Put this to good use."

She stared down at the money bag, feeling its secure weight. He's telling me… there is a future in my hand. I have this man's support. After everything that happened… he doesn't judge me a failure. As long as I'm alive, I can change my life. I was young and foolish, but no longer. That girl couldn't survive what I went through. Which means… the new person I've become, so very different than how I was…

I'll have to work on her future.

Noble Fencer looked up and declared calmly, "Thank you. I will."

"Hrm." The armored warrior turned and left. She watched him go, wondering if it might be too soon to ask whether or not she might join his band. The slaughter of goblins… certainly held appeal. The younger me would have chased after him boldly and offered her services certain that they would be accepted. I took so much for granted back then. A silly girl with her head full of dreams…

" _Daddy," Noble Fencer declared proudly, "I would like you to meet your future son-in-law." She took his hand to stand side-by-side in a show of support. "This… is Goblin Slayer."_

" _S'up," the Silver-ranked Adventurer stated._

 _Sitting across the desk from them in his opulent study, her Father surveyed the pair with world-weary eyes. After a time he heaved a pained sigh. "I would like to say I'm surprised," he uttered in tones of utmost sadness. "Or at least disappointed. But in truth…" His reproachful gaze settled firmly on the stinking blood-spattered suit of living armor before him. "This is exactly the sort of man I expected you to bring home." He shook his head with utmost regret. "Oh, the shame of it all."_

" _He's my boyfriend, Father!" Noble Fencer huffed proudly. "There's nothing you can do to keep us apart. We are bound by the bonds of blood and battle! Nothing can make me leave his side!"_

 _Her Father listened to this speech disinterestedly, then glanced at Goblin Slayer. "While you are here, sir, can I offer you anything? Wine? Ale? A small fortune to leave my daughter alone?"_

 _Goblin Slayer's helm cocked to one side. "I'll take a goblin if you got it."_

 _The lord of the manor studied him with bloodshot eyes. At last he made a gesture, and a maidservant came in leading a goblin on a leash. "Thanks." Goblin Slayer took the lead from her hand, unsheathed a knife, and buried it up to the hilt beneath the goblin's chin. Blood burst from the creature's nose as he let it drop lifelessly to the floor._

 _Noble Fencer watched him dispatch the green-skinned scum with approval while her Father made no effort to hide his distaste. She looked back at her sire proudly. "He's the best at what he does! Everyone says so!"_

" _I'm sure."_

 _The loathing in his every word was starting to annoy her, and she marched forward to slam both hands on the table. "Understand this, Papa! I owe that man my life! Which means you owe him your family's future! Is it not meet and fitting we seal that debt by offering him a place in our illustrious home? I certainly think so! As this family's future mistress!"_

 _Goblin Slayer turned to the maid. "I could_ _ _sure_ go for another goblin right about now."_

 _She glanced uncertainly between her employer and his daughter, but when neither voiced objection, the dutiful servant left and returned a small time later with another goblin, which Goblin Slayer proceeded to gut right there on the priceless carpet._

 _Noble Fencer ignored the butchery at her back. "You have no idea what I have gone through of late! I am not the spoiled little girl that left here thinking she could take the future by the horns! I've learned how cruel and uncaring a place the world can be, and if you try to keep us apart…!" She stamped her foot petulantly. "I shall scream!"_

" _I wonder if it would not be too late to declare you illegitimate," her Father mused while gazing thoughtfully out a window. "My beloved wife is dead, so she need not fear the shame of being named an adulteress. And it would certainly prove less embarrassing to be thought a cuckold rather than having the other nobility catch wind of this disgraceful affair. Hmmm…"_

 _At this point Goblin Slayer had plopped down in a plush leather armchair and put his muddy blood-encrusted boots up on an irreplaceable antique settee. "How's about you go and rustle me up a few more goblins, eh, sweet-cheeks?" And he swatted the maidservant playfully on the behind. She glared daggers at him, but left the room with all due haste._

" _Daddy-kins, I won't hear another word against it! I'm marrying Goblin Slayer, and that's final! Don't make me hold my breath, you know I will!" And she proceeded to do so._

" _My daughter…" Her Father stood and crossed over to take her by the shoulders. "Please listen to me, I beg you. I can see clearly where this will lead. That man," he flicked a distasteful glance at Goblin Slayer, who was pouring himself a huge glass of scotch, "will spend our entire family fortune on goblins. And when he has left you penniless, then he will leave you. Our noble heritage will be ruined, and you will be disgraced for all time."_

 _As her face slowly turned dark purple, he grew more desperate. "Would you like me to buy you a pony? Or perhaps a new gown, you always liked wearing those. How about a nice inbred pedigree puppy, eh? Please tell me, what can Daddy do to make you change your mind?"_

 _She blew out her breath with a gasp and pulled away, panting in outrage. "NOTHING! Nothing, do you hear? I'll show you! Our love cannot be denied! There is NOTHING that can keep us apart! Not even… GOBLINS!"_

* * *

" _I'll be brief." The Medieval Banker snapped shut the catches on his Medieval briefcase and settled a pile of Medieval documents on the table. "Your husband invested all your wealth in Goblin futures, and then proceeded to exterminate the goblins. To put it bluntly," he retrieved his briefcase and stood with a cold smile, "You're flat broke."_

" _No!" Noble Fencer exclaimed. "How… how can this be?!"_

 _He then looked up and declared, "Pack it all in, boys!"_

 _She collapsed to the floor as the chair she was sitting in got picked up by a Medieval Repo-Man. All around her other grim-faced men moved purposefully to collect and cart out the evidence of her noble heritage, ranging from tapestries that had been in the family for generations to the inbred purebred hound which was the last thing her Father gave her before dying of extreme shame._

 _Noble Fencer looked wildly around as her beloved childhood home was broken down piece by piece and carted away. "HOW?! My ancient lineage… my noble name…! How could it all be taken away from me?! Not by mere…!"_

 _The maidservant handed her an envelope before walking on by holding a large suitcase, pausing on her way out to pocket some silverware. Noble Fencer watched this brazen theft in disbelief. Looking down at the envelope, she saw addressed on the front,_ 'To my dearest wife.'

 _She ripped it open and withdrew the letter, to find written on it a single word…_

'Goblins.'

 _Noble Fencer crushed the paper in her fist, lifted her face to the sky, and screamed, "GOBLINS! GOOO-O-O-BLI-I-I-I-I-I-INS! GOBLINS! GOBLINS!" She drew her saber and began slashing wildly around. "GOBLINS! GOBLINS EVERYWHERE! GOBLINS! GOOO-O-BLI-I-I-I-INS!"_

" _SHE'S CRAZY!" one of the departing servants cried._

" _WHAT SHOULD WE DO?"_

" _BEAT HER TO DEATH WITH STICKS!"_

" _YES, IT'S THE ONLY SANE SOLUTION!"_

 _They all fell upon the madwoman, cudgels swinging with brutal force until they were stained with gore and a few strands of blonde hair._

She could practically feel the blows raining down upon her body. Noble Fencer shivered. Well, that didn't end nicely. My dreams have been getting more… unhinged of late. Perhaps I should seek out the Sword Maiden for advice on how to deal with it? Yes. That seems like a sane course of action.

I wonder what she will suggest?

* * *

" _Oh, Goblin Slayer!"_

 _Cow Girl fell back onto the bed, huge chest heaving for air and sweat-soaked skin gleaming. "That was incredible," she breathed, smiling._

" _Yes." Goblin Slayer lay beside her, still wrapped head to toe in armor._

 _The farmhand giggled and snuggled closer to him, pulling the sheets to her breast. "I'm so glad you were my first. I couldn't have asked for a better lover."_

" _Yes," his voice growled low in the confines of his helm._

" _So what shall we name our first child?"_

" _Errr…"_

 _All of a sudden the door of her bedroom flew open, and in burst High Elf Archer, Guild Gal, Female Knight, Sorceress, Apprentice Cleric, and Druid Girl. "How COULD you?!" they exclaimed together in unison._

" _Ahh, now, ladies," Goblin Slayer leapt upright as Cow Girl clutched his arm. "Ladies, let's be reasonable."_

" _You told me I was the only one!" Guild Gal shouted through her tears. "I even gave my first night to you!"_

" _I waited 2,000 years to find the right man," High Elf Archer fumed with gloved fists clenched, "and he turns out to be a two-timer! And after I let you do all that kinky leg stuff last night!"_

" _What do you mean, 'last night'?" Female Knight demanded. "He was with me the whole evening! I even made him breakfast in bed!"_

" _He took me out on a midnight picnic under the stars just last week!" Druid Girl wailed as she flailed futilely at Apprentice Cleric, who responded back with both buffeting blows and words. "Well, he gave ME a bouquet of roses, which he must have picked after getting done with YOU!"_

" _Hold… on." Sorceress raised a hand. "Goblin Slayer was gone… all last week… on a quest. I know because I ran into them… on the way back. So then how…?"_

 _Slowly they all turned to glare at the man in question._

" _Uhhh… G-goblins?" he stammered in high-pitched tones. "Yeah, goblins."_

 _In a flash Cow Girl snatched the helmet off his head to reveal…_

" _YOU?!"_

 _The Smithy Kid grinned weakly. "Errr… hello?"_

 _They advanced on him as he edged nervously away, still wearing the counterfeit Goblin Slayer armor that he had patched together at work from cheap leavings. "Now, ladies… ladies, I can explain!"_

" _You little SHIT!" Female Knight screeched._

" _How dare you take advantage of our affections for a mysterious older man!" Druid Girl hopped up and down in a blowsy rage._

" _I will see you whipped out of town naked on a splintered rail," Guild Gal swore, her face taking on a menacing shade that made her victim pale. Smithy Kid found himself backed into a corner by the mob of outraged females. He looked between their lovely shouting faces desperately._

 _My God… I'm about to be beaten to death by a mob of cute angry girls…!_

 _He sucked in a breath and let it out slowly._

… _every man's DREAM!_

 _The Kid's eyes darted around as they began arguing with one another about what to do with him. Okay, get it together! You've got to say something that will really push them over the edge! You can do this! Generations of thoughtless, insensitive, pig-headed men are behind you! You can do this! YOU CAN DO THIS!_

" _P…" He swallowed, closed his eyes and screamed,_ "PMS MUCH?!"

 _The girls froze, staring at him in shock._

 _Then with a roar, they surged forward en masse, flung him to the ground and proceeded to beat the ever-loving hell out of him. Cow Girl picked up the bed, frame and all, and began bludgeoning him with it. His shattered body flopped up and down in a grotesque dance as they battered him to death, and all the Smithy Kid could do was grin._

 _So… HAPPY!_

* * *

" _Happiest damn corpse I ever done seen," the Master Smith stated as they hauled the body out of the house._

" _I'll say," Spearman grimaced uncomfortably beside him. "Could you guys push that thing down? Feels like it's staring at me."_

" _We tried," one of the men holding the stretcher shrugged. "Guess he went out happy."_

 _As soldiers led the chained women away, still gnashing and spitting in a feminine frenzy, Dwarf Shaman popped a cork and took a swallow of fire wine. "Beats me how that little bugger managed to bamboozle so many women. I can't believe they were all convinced he was you."_

" _I was with one of them."_

 _The squat shaman glanced over at the armored man seated on the wall beside him. "Oh, really? Which one?" He leaned in closer to hear the answer, and drew back with a surprised whistle upon hearing it. "Nice."_

" _Yes."_

 _Right then Barbarian Amazon sauntered by swinging her fantastic booty from side to side. Goblin Slayer hopped off the wall. "Gotta go." He soon caught up to her, and the two headed off together to find a quiet place to… talk._

 _About what, you might ask? Why, goblins, of course!_

A rough tongue ran up his ear, and Smithy Kid yelped. He spun around to see Padfoot Waitress hopping back with a smile. "Sorry!" she giggled. "But you were just standing there spacing out! If you're not careful some big Adventurer might come along and step on you."

"Y-yeah," he stuttered, embarrassed.

"Oh, I'm just teasing." She scampered over and felt his bicep, causing his mouth to fall open at her touch. The Waitress' brows contracted in examination. "A few mr-owre years at the forge, and with the right food in you, you'll be as big as any of those beefcakes!" She hopped away, laughing and ears twitching. "So come over to the inn whenever you get the chance! I'll make you big and strong!"

"Okay," he mumbled with a blush.

The saucy demi-human picked up a basket of fish and went skipping off. Smithy Kid sighed and went back to examining the quest board. He had picked up a list of requisitioned weapons from the Guild but was distracted by the number of dangerous assignments available. Adventurers really were incredible. They seemed to have everything going for them. Everything a girl could want, at least. A guy like me can only dream of matching up.

Although that last one was pretty crazy. Some of the stuff I think of I really don't understand. Maybe the Gods are messing with me?

Nah. They've got better things to do than worry about romance.

So resolved, he headed down to the smithy.

 _ **FIN.**_


End file.
